"On our third, we are 3".

"On our third, we are 3".

I am tempted to just use one line in this piece: Use your imagination.

But knowing me, that will not happen. Perhaps because I hate anti climaxes, I am going to go all in.

In 2018, I saw our friends who got married a year ahead of us do a photoshoot with their baby which was captioned "On our third, we are 3". I was completely in love with the concept.

Kojo and I pushed having children a bit to enable us settle into our PhD programs. After passing my candidature exams, I felt ready to try. I had planned everything carefully for it to tie in with my data collection back in Ghana. So the plan was to get pregnant and then take a leave after the data collection, and then I was going to stay in Ghana, have the baby with support from our mothers

I had spoken to a few female mentors who thought a baby was going to slow my momentum as you never know how the journey is going to be for a pregnancy. I was told that a difficult pregnancy will almost make it impossible to work on my thesis. On the other hand I could be totally fine. It was a gamble I was willing to take.

You can imagine my shock when we did not get pregnant by the end of 2018 and I was going to be home for data collection. We had been trying for about 6 months and even though I knew that we should give it a year, we decided (mostly me pushing) that we should go and start with preliminary tests. Another shocker!

The first test results was such a shock for us. We were certain there had been a mistake. Since I was going to be in Ghana for 6 months and Kojo was in Hong Kong, we didn't do any further tests. Since we missed the data collection period for the baby we decided to wait till we completed our thesis before doing full blown tests because na the thing dey borst wanna minds.

On our third, I could not even write my annual blog. I was so feeling so low because of unfulfilled expectations brought on by myself.

I consoled myself that the following year, we will probably have twins and will do a "On our 4th, we are 4" but alas, you and I know that did not happen.

This post is not a pity party. I don't want any comments in that direction.

If you know me personally, you will definitely know that while I think of children. My life is not centered around that. It will be a blessing if it happens but we are also prepared for the eventuality that it might not happen.

We are human though so we are constantly in a flux torn between "Let your will be done O Lord" and praying and crying like Hannah. I like to think that we have got to a point where we say "Let your will be done O Lord" because the peace we feel despite insensitive comments from bystanders in this society eh, only God can grant that.

The blatant insensitivity, as to whether the person is trying or not and how that can trigger a deep sadness or even depression is not taken into account.

Honestly, it is the people who just assume that we have children who are the ones I find most annoying. These days, I don't say that "there are no children", I just say "they are fine ooo" because intrusive and people who are unaware deserve all the condescension they can get.

The matter all bi say, money stops all nonsense. There are a lot of assistive technologies today that will get you a child if that is what you really want. If you are not part of the 1%, you are going to pay through your teeth after saving for years and sometimes I wonder if some orphaned child or children would not rather benefit from all the investment especially since it takes a few tries in some cases.

I don't see why there is some finality as to how to leave an impact in this part of the world. It's as if its progeny or nothing else matters... the need to leave a bit of ourselves on this world. Is it ego or what? Why does it have to be a bit of you, us? Why not channel all that resource into another human by which through your contribution, you could be making an absolute change in their lives? Don't mind me. I am only saying this because of where we find ourselves now. All this philosophy na beans. Abeg! Don't mind me.

In all, I say don't let anybody stress you. I know it is easier said than done but don't let people have the power to make you feel sad about something that is totally out of your hands. I see you! It's not an easy road. Wherever it leads you to, embrace your purpose, find inner peace and enjoy life.